You

"Jokes on you, I'm nothing like that!"

- You, being delusional.

The most important thing for you to know is that you are incredibly fucking ugly.

You are a fat disgusting failure. Nothing you have ever done matters and all you bring is shame and embarrassment to those who know you. You stink like sweat, shit, and Doritos. Bathing doesn't help for longer than 30 seconds. You look like a monkey, rat, and a piece of dog-shit that fucked a thumb. You have never held any job besides minimum-wage retard-work at all in your worthless life. You have the mind of a child and the dick of one too. If you're a skank reading this, your vagina is a gash so unyielding that your small intestines fall out of it. You are subhuman demon scum created by Satan's cum-smoke and the sanatorium of two incestuous brother goats. The world will enter a never-ending orgasm of delight when you finally die, and there will be sunshine, rainbows, and an ultimate end to global suffering once you've left this universe.

Birth
You were born on an unknown date and time in 1942, and you were nearly aborted by Your mother. Your father left to get milk. Unfortunately, her brain sprung a leak and you were born and ready to cause all sorts of disasters and problems with our society.

General life
Your best friend is Retard and you like to watch Teletubbies. You never grew up mentally and you eventually started eating. Eating seems to be your favorite thing, as you eventually became fucking humongous. Now just as rotund as Your mother, you decide to go sit down and watch TV. Of course, you barely make enough money to even get a Netflix subscription, so instead you watch cable and endure the laggy hell it is. Due to your financial troubles, you are also unable to afford an actual game console of any kind, so instead you got a Power Racer 2016 that is a Famiclone-on-a-chip with hundreds of stolen games. These are your only forms of entertainment.

Crime
You were convicted of sexual assault in 2004. It has also been said that you were responsible for the murder of William....

Truth
Like I said, you are fat. You approximately weigh 840lbs and are a 31-year-old fatherless manchild who sleeps in your mother's basement. You have a beard and your dick is extremely tiny.

Listen up, gimp!

 * Your parents had you for tax benefits.
 * Your dad was an pansexual, autistic pelican named Micheal.
 * Your teeth smell like a rotten corpse coated with piss. The color of your teeth are also a dark yellow and green.
 * Your forehead can fit a Plants Vs. Zombies map on it.
 * Your GPA is 0.1.
 * You lick your dried semen off the tissues and call it "a savoury snack"
 * You are the kind of person who would say "Booyah!" after accomplishing something.
 * You hump your pillow daily.
 * You were in a relationship once but you have shown that you were an abuser and a manipulator, you were a horrible partner.
 * You will never be worthy of love or affection.
 * Blind men's dogs pull their owners away from you when you go around in that pathetic mobility scooter (as if you would ever go outside.)
 * You have been put up for adoption about 5.1 million times.
 * You are the reason why EVERYTHING bad is happening in the entire vacuum of space.

And how to solve this? Well...

Kill yourself